Horse Shit

Dear Mor

For God sake get some bloody teeth – I’m not going out with you until you get some.

Must just tell you this – there was this woman riding a horse down our street last week, right hoity toity piece she looked too, but the horse had a massive great shit. I thought that would be so good for me roses so I rushed out with me bucket and shovel but tripped and fell head first into the steaming pile. As if that wasn’t bad enough, this car pulled up and this lovely deep male voice asked if I was alright and started to help me up.

My God he was gorgeous but can you imagine how mortified I was when I turned round to look at him with my face covered in steaming bloody horse shit?

Why does it always sodding happen to us?

Love Myf

​#myfandmor #myfanwy #morwenna #horseshit #whyus #goodfortheroses 

Next Door Neighbour

Myf you old fart
    
Me and my sucking habits need to be kept secret and well under raps! To be honest I’ve had a hell of a job trying to eat - I’m gumming everything to death!

Have you ever tried eating a slice of crusty break with lashings of butter and all you can do it suck it!  Dear Lord, the butter was running down my chin and dripping onto my chest, what a state to get into especially when you’re sitting by the window and the bloody window cleaners come. I took a dive under the kitchen table.

But then I sodding well seized up and got stuck! Not a pretty sight. Luckily the phone fell on the floor as I went down and I rang the guy next door to haul me out.  All he could see as he walked in was my arse in the air. But then me wind became a problem again and as he pulled me out the force of it shot him backwards like a shot out of a gun.

He's avoided me ever since! Can’t see why, must have been the big gummy smile that scared the living shit out of him.

Off to the dentist.
Bye for now,
Mor x

#suckinghabits #noteeth #gummysmile #wind #windowcleaners #nextdoorneighbour

Gummy

Dear Mor

Jesus Christ Mor, what are you like. Thank God I wasn’t with you.

​So are you still walking around all gummy? Mind you, I bet you could give a powerful suck.

 Love Myf
​
#myfanwyandmorwenna #falseteeth #gummy #powerfulsuck #myfandmor

False Teeth

Dear Myf 

Gin … you’re not on the mother's ruin again?

Got to tell you this, or maybe I did, can't remember. Last week I went to the bingo as I fancied a little night of excitement and decided to have a little tipple of Gin. Well, actually ended up with several gins, as you do.
Bloody hell, I didn’t half show myself up! Nothing new there I can hear you say, but I won - I flaming won and got so excited I lost my bloody false teeth in the glass. There they were - staring at me. A great big cheesy smile and me with all me gums exposed!

Well I just left quickly. So quick in fact that I left the bloody things behind. Didn’t have the guts to fish them out and stick them back in with hundreds of people staring at me.

Somebody got a nice new pair of teeth! 

​In a rush, must go.
Love Mor x

#myfanwyandmorwenna #gin #bingo #wonatthebingo #falseteeth #leftinahurry

Toupee

Dear Mor
​
Bloody hell Mor, you really need to get your wind under control. Mind you, perhaps that will cure the doctor of wearing a bloody dog on his head.

Must go, the ice is melting in me gin.

Love Myf
XX

#myfanwyandmorwenna #toupee #wind #fart #wig #myfandmor 

Dark Tunnel

Dear Myf

Just a quickie love, been a bit out of sorts. By the way, I don’t have sex these day … it’s bloody healed up!

So, just to keep you in the loop. That bloody UTI - I ended up with cystitis and a visit to the quack again. Oh God, this time the legs were flung apart and he started to peer up a very dark tunnel - I felt he was searching for my tonsils.

The worry was I could feel the bristles on his chin against my legs and his hot breath shooting up a place where its not supposed to be!!!! But oh my flaming God, to top that I felt the rumbles of wind setting sail on it’s way down the winding channels of my bowel and, yeh you guessed, I flaming well let rip!

it was such a violent explosion that as he shot back the rush of wind blew off his toupee!
Think I need to register elsewhere before I’m struck off!

Bye love, gotta go
Speak soon
Yours always
Mor x

House of Commons

Dear Mor
I have to say that sometimes when I read your letters I haven’t got a bloody clue what you’re going on about. I mean, what’s all this about peeing? I understand that you’ve got an infection, but I didn’t need to know the number of times you had to pee. It’s too much sex you know, that’s what’s caused it. I didn’t know you was still so bloody active!

Yes, I do remember the incident with the tomato pips. It was only a vague memory though until you mentioned skinny dipping. I certainly remember that and being cleared of pips!!! I remember that night we met Yiannis and Adonis at that nightclub – do you remember them? We all got absolutely pissed on Ouzo – it’s taken me years to get over the smell and feel comfortable drinking it again. Anyway, they used to take us to that lovely little Taverna, you know the one on the beach. I remember we all got carried away one night with smearing Tzatziki all over the place and licking it off! Mind you, when we ran out of that and moved on to Taramasalata I ended up smelling like an old cod for a week. God those two blokes were tasty though, weren’t they? Jesus Mor, I could do with a bit of that now.

You know, I’m getting quite an urge to go back to Greece. I wonder if we could recreate any of those memories. Probably wouldn’t be the some though, they would be quite old now and most likely gone saggy.

I’ve not been doing much lately. The highlight of my week was getting my eyes tested on Friday. He came in so close to my face I was tempted to purse my lips and plant a kiss. Wonder what he would have done. Had to have new glasses – that takes bloody forever. They keep sticking these frames on your face and simpering “oooh they do suit you” but how the bloody hell can you tell without your glasses on. Seems like every pair in the shop suited me even when I looked like a deranged throwback from the 1940s. And bloody hell the cost - might have to cut back on the wine this week which is a major sodding sacrifice. How the hell am I going to get through the week without wine?

Did you vote this week? I’m sorry to say that I didn’t but to be honest, I’m so totally fed up with all these bloody politicians who spend their days arguing the toss over Brexit. Load of tossers, the whole sodding lot of them. Those that turn up are probably asleep. I tell you Mor, monkeys could do a better job of it all than this lot. Makes us a bit of a laughing stock, doesn’t it? I thought America was topping the charts there with Donald Trump, but we’ve probably overtaken them now. Brexit should have been over and done with by now – right sodding fiasco.

So now I’ve had my moan, I’m off to drink me gin.

See you soon me old flower, love you.
Myfanwy
xxxx

#Greeks #tomatopips #skinnydipping #tzatziki #taramasalata #Greece #newglasses #spectacles #MPs #parliament #houseofcommons #vote #brexit #wine