Speedos - Budgie Smugglers!

My Dear Fanny

How the devil are you? Phew what a week, it’s been rather hectic and knackering, but I’ve laughed loads till it hurt - will fill you in when I next see you.

However, before that I need to tell you that my piles have improved immensely and I didn’t need to ask Him Indoors to help! Thank the fuck for that, it could have turned really nasty and I wasn’t ready for THAT!

So, what’s brewing??? You mentioned something brewing but didn’t know what, is your wind playing up again? Or did you mean something else … pray tell, the suspense is killing me, you know I hate being held in suspense!!!

How’s the garden furniture? Must say it looks splendid. How long did it take Him to make it in the end? Must be a record for the slowest. Check out the Guinness Book of Records see if there is anyone slower - hahahaha.

But hey, you got it in good time for this beautiful weather, you lucky bugger. Bet your all bronzed off now and way before the holiday.

Hospitals - oh Lord tell me about it. Not the best places to visit, they're in there and life stops and there is no conversation. I remember every time I used to visit my Mother - I could have been on my way home after ten minutes. There is only so much you can talk about, but why is it they tell you blow for blow how many times they took a breath, how many meals they ate, how many times they passed wind, how many times they had a pee and how it happened, and how many bloody times they had a fricking shit! She used to do my head in … God rest her soul!

More recently I’ve been trundling up to the dreaded place, but have to say the time whizzed by and the conversation rolled. A much younger person so they have more interesting conversation, and having a good old laugh at the other patients in the ward with their grumbles.

Bowels I feel are my favourite subject, think I’m an expert. Need a question answering then ask me, I’m your man - got it, done it and living it!

OK so the week has been interesting to say the least, but I’ve had fun even though been worried and yes a little stressed, but above all it’s been lush!  Tired today but I am getting on a bit so I’m putting my feet up and doing fuck all!

I have to share this though, God I did nearly wee myself! You know we were chatting last time about speedos and budgie catchers, OMG Fanny, I got that all wrong. I was collecting my Grandson from school and listening to some young ladies (well young girls in my book) and they were talking about this chap who moved in over the road. He’s a PE Instructor (well I think that’s what they said) anyway, apparently he’s rather fit, and I mean FIT…. gorgeous and muscles and torso to die for. Anyway, he cuts the grass in his shorts and vest top and the muscles ripple, are you getting the picture? You talk about my tongue hanging out … hot under the collar and the nether regions, and this was only 3pm. Flaming Norah and good God, I need to see these delights!

Well, they mentioned budgie smugglers and I couldn’t keep my face straight. Fanny, I’ve been getting it all wrong and saying budgie catcher!!!!!!! What a plonker … no wonder my daughter looks at me funny! She knows I’m already strange but dear God - “Mother", she says, "it’s budgie smuggler not flaming catcher, the catchers are the apple catcher” – I think see means knickers (hahahah) does that mean a fat arse!

Lordy Lord I could keep rattling on forever, so best go. Him Indoors won’t shut up and I’m getting distracted.

Speak soon, must dash.

Your incredible, fun loving friend and every suffering

Morwenna xx

Garden Furniture

My dear Morwenna

So sorry to hear your piles are playing up again. You have my sympathy – I know what it’s like to have a bunch of grapes hanging out your arse. Hope the ointment is working – perhaps you might consider getting Himself to help out a little with the application!

Haven’t got too much to tell you at the moment, everything seems fairly quiet here. But there’s something brewing I feel – not sure not what, but it’s on the way.

The new garden furniture arrived this week. It’s been in the garage all week waiting for Him to get his finger out and do something with it. It’s flat pack and that’s where the problems began. It took him an hour to put one stool together – I tell your Mor, a whole sodding hour for one small stool. We have four stools, four chairs and a table!!! We have 12 cushions, all the same size, and he says he’s not sure which one goes where!! Ffs Mor, I despair. I could go on, but I’ll just stop there cos I think you get the picture. I have my doubts that it will be ready for the summer. Might have to get out there and do it myself, but then he gets the right hump and says I’m taking over!

Went to visit a friend in hospital this morning. Why do you always run out of things to say in a hospital? We usually natter on ten to the dozen, but not this morning. She spent the entire visit telling me about her bowel movements – there's not much of a conversation to be had there, to be honest.

Oh well my love, better go and get on with the washing. It’s never ending, can’t believe they can all wear so many clothes – then I’ll have to iron the bloody lot cos no other bugger will do it.

Have a good week, and hope the piles let you sit down a bit. Speak soon.

Lots of Love

Myfanwy xx

Piles and Piles

Hello my dear Myfanwy

Well I must admit the salad spinner is possibly not the best idea. I’d hate to think of dribbles from soggy knickers ending up in someone’s cocktail!! Oh dear, perish the thought. As always, you set me straight!

Just back from our break and the weather hasn’t been good. But hey-ho we live in England and nothing is ever straight forward. One can’t book the weather - I’ve tried on many occasion but can’t find anyone who wants to take my booking. I best keep looking, one day I’ll find someone, to be sure.

I see you managed to get yourself soaked. Well you did always enjoy a good old wet t-shirt party when you were in your youth. Mind you, don’t think much has changed - pretending to take an umbrella that wasn’t broken, well heard everything now (hahaha).

About your coat! You need to read the instructions when you buy such items, mist proof does not cut waterproof. Take me with you next time, I like a good old examination.

Talking of which, I had to visit the doc this week. Piles …. hum yes bloody piles. Talk about teeth marks on the toilet seat … my dentures are still attached to it. Oh my flaming God and all creation, I wouldn’t wish these on my worst enemy. So off I trot to the doc and had to have them looked at. Oh my word, these doctors are not only getting younger but even more handsome. The one I saw was fresh out of nappies, and yes I had to bare it all!

Oh lord, not a pretty sight I have to say, and the way they get you to twist your legs about well I’m a contortionist now. I think I could meet myself coming backwards!

You will be pleased to know I got some ointment, a bit tricky putting it on but I’ll get the hang of it I’m sure. Well I guess this got a bit too explicit but one likes a good old rummage round in the nether regions, especially when it’s a good looking chap - one can only dream!

Well, time to make dinner. Hummmmm, don’t feel like much after talking about me nether regions!

Speak soon you old bugger – missing you heaps. Must have a date day soon.

Yours always and suffering

Morwenna x