My Dear Fanny
How the devil are you? Phew what a week,
it’s been rather hectic and knackering, but I’ve laughed loads till it hurt -
will fill you in when I next see you.
However, before that I need to tell you
that my piles have improved immensely and I didn’t need to ask Him Indoors to
help! Thank the fuck for that, it could have turned really nasty and I wasn’t
ready for THAT!
So, what’s brewing??? You mentioned
something brewing but didn’t know what, is your wind playing up again? Or did
you mean something else … pray tell, the suspense is killing me, you know I hate
being held in suspense!!!
How’s the garden furniture? Must say it
looks splendid. How long did it take Him to make it in the end? Must be a
record for the slowest. Check out the Guinness Book of Records see if there is
anyone slower - hahahaha.
But hey, you got it in good time for this
beautiful weather, you lucky bugger. Bet your all bronzed off now and way
before the holiday.
Hospitals - oh Lord tell me about it. Not
the best places to visit, they're in there and life stops and there is
no conversation. I remember every time I used to visit my Mother - I could have
been on my way home after ten minutes. There is only so much you can talk
about, but why is it they tell you blow for blow how many times they took a
breath, how many meals they ate, how many times they passed wind, how many
times they had a pee and how it happened, and how many bloody times they had a
fricking shit! She used to do my head in … God rest her soul!
More recently I’ve been trundling up to the
dreaded place, but have to say the time whizzed by and the conversation rolled. A much younger person so they have more interesting conversation, and having a
good old laugh at the other patients in the ward with their grumbles.
Bowels I feel are my favourite subject,
think I’m an expert. Need a question answering then ask me, I’m your man - got
it, done it and living it!
OK so the week has been interesting to say
the least, but I’ve had fun even though been worried and yes a little
stressed, but above all it’s been lush!
Tired today but I am getting on a bit so I’m putting my feet up and doing fuck
all!
I have to share this though, God I did
nearly wee myself! You know we were chatting last time about speedos and budgie
catchers, OMG Fanny, I got that all wrong. I was collecting my Grandson from school
and listening to some young ladies (well young girls in my book) and they were
talking about this chap who moved in over the road. He’s a PE Instructor (well
I think that’s what they said) anyway, apparently he’s rather fit, and I mean
FIT…. gorgeous and muscles and torso to die for. Anyway, he cuts the grass in
his shorts and vest top and the muscles ripple, are you getting the picture?
You talk about my tongue hanging out … hot under the collar and the nether
regions, and this was only 3pm. Flaming Norah and good God, I need to see these
delights!
Well, they mentioned budgie smugglers and I
couldn’t keep my face straight. Fanny, I’ve been getting it all wrong and saying budgie catcher!!!!!!! What a plonker …
no wonder my daughter looks at me funny! She knows I’m already strange but dear
God - “Mother", she says, "it’s budgie smuggler not flaming catcher, the catchers are the
apple catcher” – I think see means knickers (hahahah) does that mean a fat
arse!
Lordy Lord I could keep rattling on
forever, so best go. Him Indoors won’t shut up and I’m getting distracted.
Speak soon, must dash.
Your incredible, fun loving friend and
every suffering
Morwenna xx
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