Salad Spinner

My Dearest Fan

Again another lovely little message from you which started off really quite sweet, then you had to get all smutty, hot under the collar and feeling all unnecessary. Oh, and I totally agree, best the old fart knows nothing, would only raise his temperature and I can't be doing with all of that!

Oh God the rats!!!! Chuffing hell, I’ve never seen such big fat hairy things in all my life, their tails are like snakes they're so big and fat and the buggers just sit and look at you. They are so streetwise you can’t even put traps down; they are so clever at getting the food out without the bloody trap going off!

Excitement, you mentioned excitement, what on earth do you want to do??? We could get something planned, yeh lets. I’ve not seen you in ages, nearly forgot what you look like, can you wear a daffodil when we meet just in case I don’t recognise you. Talking of bloody daffodils, bloody Fidget and Widget are going crazy - hang on a minute ( "F@@king dogs, all over the daffs, get your arses in here you little buggers").  Sorry back again … daffs have all got their heads off. Gardens looks great, nothing but green bloody stalks!

Where was I? Oh the windows have had so much rain that the lick marks have all disappeared now, will have to wait for him to come again for another little inspection.

Just been out for a drive with the old man and, as you do, nodded off a little but trying to pretend I’m not. Felt like a nodding dog - that Churchill dog on the telly - anyway I kinda stare out the side window so he don’t notice, then the car stops and seems like ages so I look out and I’m staring at a brick wall! Rumbled!!!! Achhhhhhhhhh……..

Had to have a little giggle though, the radio was quite good and had some some woman on. Think she was a comedian although I have to say I didn’t find her funny, but wow what a fantastic tip she mentioned. Doing something with a salad spinner and not for your salad. I can hear what you're thinking, "what the fffff is she on about now?" Well, you know when you have a little wee after a cough, sneeze, laugh or even a fart, and that small about of wee escapes …. got the picture? Well, you put your knickers in the salad spinner and hey presto!!! They dry off … must take one on holiday, possibly will need it.

I have to say I didn’t see the Full Monty last night, why do I miss such lushness? I will just have to imagine. But I’m looking forward to some eye candy on holiday, in those speedos or what do they call them “budgie catchers” hahahahaha.

Well my lovely Fanny, I must be off. A glass of wine is waiting for me and I must get some food for the old fart before he keels over. God I can’t be doing with that tonight, what a state!

Speak soon, must dash – and I mean I must dash!!! 

Your fat fury friend Morwenna xxx