The Fart

Hello my Dear,

Oh Fanny, what a blast, wasn't it brilliant? I’ve not had so much fun since well, can’t remember, but we laughed and laughed so much. Think we may have got thrown out at one point. The bloody sour faced people, why do they go on holiday to be miserable, just don’t get it, and the couple who just didn’t talk to each other … what’s that all about?

We did make a few of them smile though and we did get that bottle of bubbly from that lovely young couple. Was wondering if she really was pregnant or did she have a pillow up her top. Think they felt sorry for me when you left to go to the loo and forgot which way to go, up or down.  I took a fit of the giggles and sitting alone and being hysterical is not a good look!

Oh God the donkeys - bloody things. I’m still bow legged and can’t stand up straight. I couldn’t stop a pig in a hurry, that’s for sure, it would run straight through! Another good idea of yours!!!! Well next time I want to see what will happen before I jump on and feel like I’m on one of those rodeo bulls. OMG the pain!!! Can you get whiplash in your arse???

Talk about drink - flaming Norah, I drank so much I could have sank a battle ship. But now having withdrawals, so may need to hit the bottle tonight. It’s getting kind of fractious round here, why do we have to pick up the pieces after such a relaxing and fun time away? Boy I’ve hit the ground running and I’m still running!!!!

The Slapped Arse woman and her friend with the Two Sandwiches Short of a Picnic - God what a pair. Wonder what they called us? But they did want us to join them for some fun but good God how boring were they? What was that with their husbands at the bar and them sitting at the table and looking like they were sucking lemons. Amazed that he actually believed me when I told him I was a hod carrier and you a brick layer! Hahahha, stupid sod!!

Did you ever find that Tena Lady? God hope it didn’t fall out as you walked round the pool. All those people -  bloody hell Myf, that would have been a sight, something crawling down your leg and you prancing about like a prize chuck in your Audrey Hat and Glasses. Glad I was in front of you and not behind, otherwise I may have had to pick it up and shout “does this belong to you” hahhaha.

Oh lord, I did a classic. Had to spend a penny, as you do, and the loos were rank with rubbish all over the floor - wet loo roll and God knows what else. So did me bit and came out washed the hands as you do - I can’t believe so many filthy dirty bitches not washing their hands after depositing - anyway, walked through the shops and wondered why people kept looking, only had some loo paper attached to my bloody shoe, how embarrassing. Didn’t want to pick it off cos I didn’t know where it had been, so tried to shuffle it off. Well I shuffled that bloody hard that I fell tits up and smashed my glasses! The upside was a lovely young man with a gorgeous arse bent over to pick  me up.  Not sure if it was shock, embarrassment or just bloody panic but I started to laugh and well you know me, as he pulled me to my feet I let out an enormous fart!!!! Well that killed that conversation!!!

At that I’d best be off, things to do and places to go, speak soon.

Must dash.

Your loving friend

Morwenna x

Donkey

My Dear Morwenna

Well, what can I say about last week? It was brilliant and we certainly entertained a few people, didn't we. It’s hard to know what the highlight of the week was.

I have to say that one of the most worrying moments was seeing that donkey making off with you, and hearing your screams fade into the distance. Those donkeys are usually placid and docile and they know what they need to do. Whatever did you do to it? It certainly took off at a fair old gallop and seeing you hanging round it’s neck is something I never will forget. Nor will a lot of other holidaymakers either. I wonder how many photos and videos you will appear in. I expect we’ll see you on YouTube before too long.

We did get through a fair amount of alcohol, didn’t we Mor? Especially that Metaxa. Just thinking about it makes me want to partake in a little tipple, simply to bring back a few memories you understand. Mind you, the cocktails weren’t half bad either. I loved the White Lady, oh and the Mojito was good. The Tequila Sunrise – or were they sunsets – were great too. We could have done with another week to finish off the list. The Proseccos hit the mark as well.

Do you remember the woman with a face like a slapped arse? I wonder if she ever made it back to her hotel.

My most bizarre moment was when I lost my Tena Lady. God knows where that went. I had it when we went to the pool, but bloody hell - the next trip to the loo and it was gone! I retraced my steps but no sign! What the fuck happened to it? Maybe Herman the German picked it up but what the hell would he have done with it? The mind boggles!!

Well my love, I’m off to get a little drink as the withdrawal symptoms are all a little too much to deal with right now.

Speak soon love, keep safe and don’t go near another bloody donkey.

Lots of Love

Myfanwy

xxx

The Squits

Hello my dear Myfanwy

How you doing? Gosh you have had an interesting time, didn’t think it was so much fun travelling by public transport, but you never know what your day will bring. People eh? Don’t you just love em!

Poor old stick, she was probably just lonely, it must have been the highlight of her day, but you poor buggers having to listen to it all, especially when people need to be getting on with their day … bit of a bummer really!

Oh speaking of bums, yep the piles are gone thank God. My poor teeth have been so sensitive ever since, having to bite down on the loo seat for pain relief. I’m layering in Vaseline to make sure it’s an easy passage!

Oh hang on the window cleaners have just arrived - be back in a tick!!!!!! 

Phew, that was exciting, more lick marks on the window and dribble down me chin - must go and adjust the makeup, not a good look!

Ok I’m back. So sorry, it’s taken me two days to come back and finish my letter, anyway I’m here now.

What a lovely day, sat sitting outside. We are away for the weekend, the old man has nodded off and having the odd snore, and there is a bloody Peacock making a horrendous noise. They make look beautiful but for fuck's sake they spoil the peace, it’s worse than a guard dog barking all the time. I may have to go and investigate and have a wee word in the ear of the chap who owns it.

Have been reading a few blogs this week and stuff on Facebook, it’s hilarious some of the stuff people put up there. There have been some DEEP and meaningful quotes, DEEP thoughts and DEEP suggestions, it kind of really makes you think and gets a bit warm under the collar!!! You can really misinterpret the whole meaning !!! I have to say I’ve had some good old belly laughs.

It’s only a few more days and we will have some time together, it’s been so long since I saw you and so long since we booked this little holiday. I’m a bit nervous in case I can’t find you at the airport, can you wear a plastic daff or something. I’d hate to be looking out for you and accost some poor bugger who’s really just minding their own business and in I blunder - full of shit and as loud as hell as I’m so chuffing excited!

Just want to check too what your taking in the way of emergency supplies???? Mother always told me to take one with me just in case, not really sure what she meant by it all, but maybe you could enlighten me?

I’ve got the disclaim stuff in case we get the squits….. think that’s how you spell it? Some pain killers for whatever, some white thistle for the liver cause we WILL need it, and some tenna ladies to catch the dribbles after laughing too much!

Think that’s it, so must dash now Fanny my old fart, catch up at the airport.

Much love, your ever suffering friend

Morwenna x