Holes in the Ears

Well hello you old bugger,

I was wondering where you had gone. Sleeping I thought or probably hitting the gin bottle again and didn’t bother to invite your old mate round!!!

Hey you, what's all this about throwing myself at the guards?  I’ll have you know they fall at my feet - hahahahha. But yeh, you're right I always get the gorilla woman, bloody scary if you ask me.

So your still having trouble with the Twat in the Hat, send him on a mission or even better get him a job as a secret shopper, that will put paid to that one!

Getting hairy, lord that’s a little scary. Hope you’re not turning into a gorilla woman, I will hardly recognise you next time we meet. Best get that shaver going, you can’t be doing with stubble and I'm not coming too close to find out either. Have to say I’m beginning to get the odd one now and again, but bugger me they sprout from nowhere and they are two inches bloody long and, to add fuel to the fire, they are like wire!!!!

Well, I have to share this one with you. You remember the other week when we met up and went for a sandwich, and that girl had those enormous holes in her ears and you asked if they hurt?  Can you remember (I know you’re getting a little forgetful these days)? Well, I was chatting to a friend the other day about tattoos and the like and the holes in the ears came up. We had a giggle about what it  would look like when you're ancient and the holes are like bloody great loops hanging from your ears. Well, we came up with the solution and get this - when you’re getting on and the boobs become slightly less elasticated (droopy) and when you take off your lederhosen (shoulder boulder) bra and your tits fall to your belly or even worse your thighs, then here's the solution. You simply pop your nipples into the holes in the ears and hey presto instant boob job, sorted! Sitting upright and well supported!!!!

Hope you got your Tena Lady on cos I guess you're pissing yourself right now!

Well must be off,  things to do and people to upset.

Love ya

Morwenna xxx

The Bearded Lady

Dear Morwenna

Sorry love, it's been a while since my last letter but bloody hell, where does the time go.

I must just say that you really do have to stop throwing yourself at the security guards in the airport. Those guys are not going to frisk you. They are on look out for much younger flibbertigibbets who have firmer bodies and are still quite pert. They will simply hand you over to the Gorilla Women and you'll most likely end up having a cavity search! Be warned because that will not be pleasant.

So what news do I have - well the Twat in the Hat is still stalking the local shops doing price comparisons and then regaling the unsuspecting listener as to where the best bargains are to be had. He ought to get a spot on that Martin Lewis programme about money - apparently he can help you save a fortune. Shame he doesn't bloody well save us a fortune.

You know Mor we haven't had a good night out in ages, have we. Mind you, we do have a couple of things coming up soon which I know we'll make the most of. We've got a coffee date with that nice young man. Coffee my arse. I'm not wasting my time with a nice young man drinking coffee and I'm sure you won't. Mind you, I will have to keep my eye on you to make sure you're not dribbling, you make such a bloody mess all down yourself.

Really ought to start preparing myself now I think. I tell you what though, I got that many sodding hairs growing out my chin now that it takes me an hour just to pluck me face before I can be seen in public. What the fuck is going on? I think me pubes are growing up on me insides searching for daylight and sprouting out me face. I'll be invited to join the bloody circus soon. Is this happening to you? Now I understand why me Nan was so prickly when she kissed me. Jeez, I don't like this at all Mor, not at all.

Well better go now love and get some dinner going. Not sure what I'll do yet, but I'm sure the fridge is stacked to the gunnels with special sodding offers!

Take care love and I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Lots of Love
Myfanwy
xxx

Getting Frisked

My Dear Myfanwy

Oh Lord, why on earth did we come home? We had such a good time away, plenty of food, good weather, drink (opps suppose I’d better not mention the drink). God my arms were sore carrying all that booze from the duty free shop. Was worried we would get stopped and thrown into prison or worse! Mind you I would enjoy being man-handled!!!!

Was so disappointed I never got frisked at the airport, would have been the thrill of the holiday. However, it’s ok if it a tall dark stranger, but God those woman are like gorillas!!!!

Hands like bloody shovels, and faces that look like they could crack any window within a few feet!

Oh dear, love my arse, it does let me down from time to time. Gattling gun hahahaha - they were rolling down my legs like marbles. Problem is once I start I can’t stop, as you have discovered, but hey ho better out than in and I don’t think too many people heard! If they did I’d blame you anyway …

Sounds like you’re having a right old time since you been back. The Twat in the Hat and the mindless drivel, it’s enough to bore a glass eye to sleep. It’s not been much better round here I have to say. My highlight was the window cleaners again this week - thank God they come every four weeks, bloody highlight. Well a girl has to have some eye candy, trouble is I make so much mess on the insides, they look horrendous.

Talking of eye candy, flaming Norah, those security guards on the boat trip were well tasty. I could see your tongue hanging out when that Greek God passed, rippling muscles to die for and that tight little cute arse in those rather tight black trousers ... oh Lordy Lord! Chuck a bucket of water over me right now, I’m becoming all unnecessary!!!!!

Baby you were dribbling!! Not a good glamour look, especially in your hat and sunglasses looking oh so “Audrey” - will get you a bib next time. Well suppose it’s good to reminisce, keeps the juices flowing. What else do we have to look forward too, eh?

It’s quiet round here, fidget and widget are sleeping, worn themselves out today. New neighbours so they have had to investigate everything, running up and down the bloody garden like headless chickens, scared they're going to miss something. And him in doors giving a running commentary on the goings on … ffs leave me be I really don’t want to hear it. I was trying to read me book and kept reading the same bloody line 20 times over, till I knew it off by heart! Dear lord, give me strength … considering digging up the patio and putting him in it!

Well, Fanny I’d best be gone. I’m getting all maudling and feeling sorry for myself, so off to pour a rather large one, have a soak in the tub and daydream of warmer climates. So with nothing else to report, I’m off.

Speak soon

With love from your ever suffering friend with alcohol withdrawal

Morwenna x

Twat in a Hat

Dear Morwenna

Jeez, what pissing weather to come back home to. After such a brilliant week away, I’ve come back down to earth with a sodding great bump.

I do wish you could get your farting under control a bit more. That poor bloke, no wonder he never spoke to you – the stench alone would have rendered him speechless. Remember the night we walked into the Old Town? Honestly Mor, you was like a bloody gattling gun going off all the way down the hill. Just a well you didn’t let rip in the hotel – the Germans would have dived for cover.

Must admit I’ve not done too much since we’ve been back. He has not stopped talking since I got home, bloody mindless drivel. Who sodding cares about the price of bananas at Waitrose compared to Sainsburys compared to the market. Ye Gods, I do lose the will at times – I’m surprised he’s managed to stay alive this long to be honest.

He’s bought himself a new hat for the summer! It’s like a Panama but not the real thing of course. But he wears it in the most peculiar way, it’s kind of perched right on the top of his head. I tell you, one gust of wind and it’ll be gone – best you don’t pop round for a while!!!! Anyway, talk about the Twat in the Hat – it’s bloody hard not to laugh. He gets the right hump if I mention the angle of the hat – I’m not going out with him if he insists on wearing it like that!  

I’ve managed to potter about a bit in the garden and put some new plants in. But even putting a few plants in a pot is a bloody fiasco in this house. I got a tray of lovely fuscias, that deep purple and pink colour, and the Twat in the Hat decides he’s going to help. What does he do? Drops the bloody tray on its head and breaks all the sodding flowers off! Anyway, I planted them in the hopes that they’ll flower at some point this year but we’ve now got a trough full of headless bloody plants. Then I turn around and the sodding cat is digging down to Australia in there! FFS!!!!!!!

Honestly Mor, I think I need to go away again.

That’s about all the news I have at the moment. We really do need to get a bit of excitement going soon.

Speak soon,

Lots of Love

Myfanwy