Hospital Toilets

My dearest old friend Myf

This weather over the holiday was amazing wasn’t it? Hope to God it wasn't our summer and it’s been and gone! Flaming Norah your nose - if it’s anything like the one you had last year on holiday it’s like a beacon shining out in the night. Aircraft round here may think you're guiding them in! Don’t stay outside too long will you?

I’m worried about you with those hair straighteners and that you’re going to frazzle your hair and it snaps off. You’re meant to dry your hair first! For God’s sake don’t use it on wet hair, you’ll electrocute yourself! You do worry me Myf, you do need some lessons.

Mind you, we've had so many lessons over the years, and some extraordinary ones. Remember that time we got tied upside down to a tree in Greece and those blokes threw rotten tomatoes at us. What fun eh? Best part was skinny dipping to try and get rid of those tomato pips. Bloody hell, the places they could get into! Thinking of that is really making me rather HOT under the collar, phew …. best off for a cold shower. But maybe we need to have another little adventure soon, it’s been so long. Best get me thinking cap on.

Oh dear Myf, I think I’ve got a water infection. I’ve been up and down to the hospital recently and I always worry about using the loos in those places. Now I can’t stop peeing. I feel like I want to pee, nearly pee myself thinking about wanting to pee, then when I do go to pee, I nearly pee myself before I pee! Blimey, that was hard work telling you all about my peeing!

So cranberry juice is going in like nobody’s business. I’m sure I’ll be peeing pure cranberry soon. Be glad when it’s gone, I’m wearing a hole in my floor trotting back and forward, in out in out …. and the amount of loo roll well, there is another story.

Alcohol is off limits and I really do fancy a trip down the river with a couple of bottles to reminisce. Let’s take a waterproof blanket for your piles and If I wee myself, then all will be well too.

Dear lord Myf I’ve gotta go again,

Duty calls

Hope to catch up soon

Love Mor x

#hospitaltoilets #toilets #waterinfection #pee #Greece #tomatoes #skinnydipping #tomatopips

Hair Straighteners

My Dear Morwenna
What a beautiful day it’s been – not known an Easter like this for many years. Been sitting in the garden but now I look like a bloody lobster and yes, the nose is glowing!
Mor, I must ask you about this hair straightener contraption that you suggested I buy. Not sure I’ve really got the hang of them yet – my hair seems to end up sticking out in all directions all over my head, that’s not right is it? I can feel it waving about in the breeze like a bloody peacock! Also, are they supposed to smoke when you’ve got your hair in them? I end up smelling like a damp dog sitting too close to the fire – can’t be right.
Going back to the past – I remember the Greek Islands with that bloke. God he was gorgeous, wasn’t he? Shame he got done for smuggling. Can’t remember the woman we cleaned for though, glad it didn’t last long cos I bloody hate cleaning. But hell yes, I remember the gardener and his mate. That was an incredible time and I learnt things there that I never even realised were physically possible. Who knew that you could get your legs into those positions? Maybe it’s something just the Greeks do, cos I’ve never managed it since!!!
Blimey Mor, we've had some adventures haven't we? What a life we’ve had and shared, and I don’t regret a single moment.
The woman in Sainsburys sounds a right bloody nightmare. Not bumped into her, and I’m sure I would have remembered. Seems we’re magnets for every nutter going. Which reminds me of that odd bloke in Greece who kept shouting at everyone and telling them they needed to wear red or they were doomed. You must remember him – he was dressed from head to foot in red – looked like a bloody tomato!
Must say I enjoyed our little night out the other week. That first bottle of Prosecco slipped down pretty quick though, didn’t it? But the prices they charge in these places is criminal – we would have been better off buying a couple of bottles from Tesco and slipping off down to the river like we used to. Mind you, the older we get the more comfort we need – a damp arse plays havoc with me piles these days.
Well my love, I suppose I’d better get on. Need to bring the washing in now – another pile of sodding ironing that will all end up in the washing basket next week. Makes you wonder whether it’s all worth it – maybe we should try our luck in the Greek Islands again!!!!
Talk to you soon love,
Be good.
Love Myf
xxxx
 
#hairstraighteners #thegreekbloke #greekislands #cleaning #nutter #prosecco #riverbank

Olive Picking

Hello you old fart

Well I hear you have been letting rip on the farting front. You call me the Gatling Gun, but I bet you could give me a run for my money!

Yeh we did do the Casino, and no it didn’t last long. We didn’t like the handy men and the guy with the ball in his eye bloody deserved it. We did a runner - don’t you remember? One of the chaps (who was rather nice) had a boat and so we sailed off for a few weeks around the Greek Islands. That was a fabulous time and we even managed to get some work in the olive groves - God I hate olives, think it’s probably from picking so many. But blimey Myf, there were some tasty Greeks amongst those olive trees. But that all came to an abrupt end when the guy on the boat got done for smuggling cigarettes (well we assumed they were cigarettes - they certainly weren't budgies in his swimming trunks) and we made a hasty retreat.

We did a spot of cleaning for that posh knob of a woman who didn’t know one end of a duster from the other. What a flaming twat she was. But hey, the up side of that was we had the place to ourselves most of the time, and boy did we party! Until she came back and found us in an embarrassing situation with the gardener and his mate! Well, best not go into that one but we did have fun. I’m sure you will add a little to this story as it comes flooding back to you.

Well what a day it's been … went shopping this morning and this bloody woman in Sainsbury's was walking round in a towelling dressing gown, a coat with a wolf on the back and a sun hat. Boy oh boy, what a bloody state. Walking round shouting at everyone, talking to herself, taking her hat and coat off and throwing them on the floor! Well typical of Sainsbury's, the staff took no bloody notice of her at all.  Maybe they knew her. It was all rather embarrassing. I kept dodging down the next aisle cos I knew she would collar me. Think I’ve got one of those faces that says “come on you twats, come and talk to me, I’m a soft touch”. Mug written all over me face! Well thank God I managed to escape … but I’d watch the local papers because she may make the headlines! 

Gotta go love, Fidget and Widget need feeding and I need to go on poop patrol in the garden before the window cleaners come.

Speak soon love.
Look forward to some more reminiscing.
Yours truly
Morwenna xxx

​#sailing #sainsbury's #casino #Greece #olives #olivepicking #cleaning 

Was the Casino Next?

Dear Morwenna

I don’t think you can blame me for getting us the sack from the Sausage Factory. It was your idea to see how big we could get a sausage. I didn’t think it would explode like that and it was just unfortunate that a bloody great dollop of sausage meat hit the wanker manager on the back of the head. We should have known really that pulling and pushing on the skin was never going to end well.

Mind you, that manager was an arse wasn’t he? I can’t for the life of me understand why some people just do not have one iota of humour in them. I mean, all the girls in the factory were pissing themselves but he just had that slapped-arse face on. Wonder what happened to him. More to the point, I wonder what happened to that whingey-whiney kid and whether he ever got over got over the trauma of having his hair sucked up by a toy soldier!

Was it the casino next? I don’t remember too much about that so we couldn’t have been there that long. But we did work nights so were probably pissed most of the time. I have a vague memory of the ball flying off your roulette wheel and causing a bit of damage to that old man’s eye. Mind you, if I remember rightly he was a bit of a lech and far too handy for his own good. Didn’t deserve to be blinded though!

Was that why we got the sack?

Must go now Mor, need a wee – bladder’s not what it used to be either!

Talk soon,
Lots of Love
Myf
xxxx

#sausagefactory #sausageskin #casino #roulette #roulettewheel #oldman

After the Sausage Factory

Bloody Hell Myf

Your memory is good - obviously better than the hearing!!! Now you come to mention it, I do remember the wild child from hell whinging and whining all day long. My God I was losing the will to live, and put me off kids for quite some time!!!

Oh what fun we used to have at work, pity we had to stuff sausages all day. But we did have some bloody good laughs didn't we? Shame we got the sack. I think that was your fault if I remember rightly, but they managed to get rid of me at the same time. Bloody waste of space managers … wankers the lot of them! Am I allowed to say that? Hahahaha. Suppose I can, they can’t sack me twice!!!!

So, it’s been another lovely day. Did think about doing some gardening. It was only a thought though and it soon disappeared. I went and had a coffee instead. Did think of having a brandy but thought I might look like an alcoholic at that time in the morning, and being as you weren’t with me I thought better of it!

Was just thinking. Was it after the sausage factory that we headed off abroad to do work in that casino as croupiers? God I couldn’t count up in thirteens and I’m sure they were just pulling my leg. Just a bloody excuse to let us go!

We have had some fun with our jobs, haven’t we Myf? Glad it’s a bit more sedate now, can’t do with too much excitement these days. Mind you, we still have our moments when we're out together, don't we?

Love, I have to send you text messages ‘cause you just fog over and look at me as if you ain’t got a clue what I’m on about. Well to be honest I don’t think you have most of the time, so I will have to keep on messaging you just to wake you up!

Well I’m off, too much drivel going on here. Dinner beckons - Shepherd’s pie tonight. Tatties are a boiling now so just managed to fit you in!

Gotta go, speak soon.
Love from your short fat hairy friend
Morwenna x
 
#sausagefactory #stuffingsausages #gotthesack #casino #croupier #coffeeandbrandy​

Toy Soldier

My Dear Morwenna

How lovely to hear from you, I do love reading your little notes. So much better that the cryptic messages you keep leaving me on Facebook. I mean, what’s that all about – “can you hear me?” Of course I could bloody hear you. I know my hearing’s a bit iffy but I was sitting next to you!

I must say your spa day sounded horrendous, I thought they were meant to be relaxing?You do have to wonder why people like that actually go out – seems she was just expecting to be disappointed by everything, talk about bring it on!

You know Mor, I was doing a bit of reminiscing the other day and I had to laugh. Do you remember that woman we worked with at the Sausage Factory – can’t remember her name but she used to shave off her eyebrows and then pencil them back on. She always got them a bit too high though and had a permanent look of surprise on her face – that’s it, that’s what we called her, Surprise!!

Well, do you remember the day she brought her kid into work? He was a right whingeing little sod! I don’t think I can really be blamed for what happened to him though. I mean I only gave him that wind-up toy soldier to shut him up. I thought he was playing quite happily with it when it all went quiet. How the hell was I to know that the silly little sod would put the thing on his head?

I certainly didn’t expect the mechanism would suck up his hair like that though. The bloody row he made was deafening. Trouble was, you couldn’t turn those things off so we had to wait for the mechanism to wind-down!!

But the worse bit was when Surprise had to cut the soldier off the kid’s head. I mean, wouldn’t you think she would have had the common sense to level off the boy’s hair rather than send him to school looking like that? It's no wonder the other kids laughed at him. It looked like a bloody landing strip right down the middle of his head – bit like a reversed Mohican! Oh God we did laugh didn’t we Mor?

Well my old love, better go and start peeling potatoes.
Talk soon, lots of love
Myf

#toysoldier #sausagefactory #pluckedeyebrows #permanentlysurprised #mechanicaltoys 

Spa Day

Well hello you old bugger, Myf - how the devil are you?

I think yes a good idea to send a little letter now and again. This texting malarkey is ok but very short and sweet and you can’t really get your teeth into a good old conversation. What with your hearing not so good these days my texting habits are ok when your sat next to me and you can’t bloody hear, but for a long loving conversation a letter is the way to go!

So, yoga yeh it was good. Blimey I didn’t realise you could hear my flatulence - it was rather epic. I thought I could hear it bouncing around the lampshades!! Hey, that may be just the way to go to get rid of excess wind though - do a bit of downward dog!!! Trouble is getting back up and don’t want my nose getting too near my rear end!

Your tribute band sounded good, but do you know when I read it I thought it said tribal band. I thought what the @@@@ is she getting into now!! I have to say I could imagine you running round in tribal gear, face painted and beating a drum. I did think about you having feathers in your hair, in fact a really very fancy head apparatus, but then remembered you hate feathers so that wouldn’t work. But that brought me back to the present moment and realised you meant tribute!! Hahahaha that will teach me to stop going off on one!

Me, I’ve been to a spa which was an eye opener. Oh boy, got behind two rather curvy ladies (I’m being kind when I say curvy) any who, getting back to the ordeal, they were booking in and one was the mouth and the obvious spokesperson, who clearly had it in for the lady behind the desk before she even had opened her eyes that morning. 
Oh my lord, she was in one, complain, complain, complain … what a negative horrendous human being. Personally I’d have kicked them out right there and then - she wouldn’t give her gift card to pay for the day because, in her words, “There may be more things I need to complain about during the day, so I’m not paying yet!”

Flaming Norah! They had faces like slapped arses. We never really saw them again after they had a little swim in the pool and went off for a treatment. God help the therapists with that task, mind you wish I’d been a fly on the wall hahaha. They didn’t come up for lunch, perhaps they were locked in a cupboard somewhere never to be seen again!
So, this weather is a bit wild, don’t like the wind much. I have to say, plays havoc with the wig and I have to keep rearranging my face, so be glad when all calms down it’s just too stressful to keep sorting the body out.

Well enough for now, I will be seeing you soon but needed to get that off my chest first!

Must dash, my coffee is getting cold.

Love from you ever suffering friend,
Morwenna xx

#spaday #thespa #wind #yoga #moaning #complaining #treatments

The Yoga Class

My Dear Morwenna

I feel we’ve let our correspondence lapse a bit so don't you think it’s about time we got a grip and started writing to each other again? I know we see each other quite a lot and use all this new-fangled technical stuff and text, but it’s not the same is it? I look forward to your letters, they’re so nice and newsy and so full of crap sometimes.

So what have you been up to lately? Anything I should know about? I’ve not done much; to be honest I don’t like the winter and tend to stay in me dressing gown.

But I did go out last week and went see a tribute band. Remember the Eagles? Well this tribute band, Illegal Eagles they were called, played all their music and were brilliant. Mind you, I’d had a few drinks before I got in there so they could have been shite really! But oh my, the rest of the audience was so old, can’t believe old people like The Eagles. Just shows really that we still have lots things to look forward to when we do get old.

I must say it was a good idea of yours to go to a yoga class yesterday. I will admit though I really only went for the meditation – thought I could have a bit of a snooze. I did worry a bit about your bowels during the Downward Dog. It seems the older you get the less you’re able to control your wind, but fortunately you picked a spot at the back of the hall so there was no-one behind you to get a face full. But the noise did ricochet off the walls a bit. I wonder if the teacher will let us back in.

Well love, I had better go and do something amazing in the kitchen - God knows what though. I get sick and tired of thinking of things for dinner every day don’t you? Takes hours to get something ready and they all wolf it down in minutes – like bloody pigs at the trough!

I look forward to hearing from you soon.
Lots of Love
Myfanwy
xxx

#yoga #downwarddog #technology #text #wind #tributeband #theeagles #letters #myfandmor #myfanwyandmorwenna 

Two Ferrets

Well Hello My Dear Myfanwy

God it’s been so long, I thought you had dropped off the planet!!!

Of course I will forgive you but your turn to pay next time we are out for a wee drink, and perhaps a bite to eat. It’s worrying that stuff that's been going on in your head, at your age you must be careful and take it a bit more easy!

The heat OMG, it’s been horrendous. I’ve had rivers flowing down from between my boobs, the feeling of being soggy and sweaty is not an attractive look, just can’t stand it; and the thunder bugs, those little shits, yep they get in everywhere and yes everywhere!
Well you do live it up - Nando’s! So which way do you want your Chicken madam? Grilled, fried or boiled, hahahaha, then smother it in some sort of sauce which tastes much the same, or scalds you mouth and you lose your taste for the next three days, yes best give it a miss next time.

The state of some of the younger generation, well it really does make you wonder what are they thinking. Wearing hardly anything and what they do wear don’t fit the places they are supposed to … what a sight! It’s like the ones who obviously don’t wear any knickers and their arse cheeks are rattling round like two ferrets in a paper bag!  Well you can’t help but look, it’s incredible. Never seen such movement from the rear end. Mines fading away - could do with a couple of rather large Bramleys in my pants to look a bit perky!
 
Oh dear yes the school kids, the shops will not be the same for the next few weeks, and I have to say there is a different class of shopper in Sainsbury’s than you get in Waitrose. Oh I do wish people would cheer up, fed up with miserable people, walking around like they chewed on a lemon, sour faces, what is it with people these days???

Well not much has been happening round here, even the window cleaner ain’t been to cheer me up or get me excited. Oh God, forget that he’s just arrived!!!! So must be off - he may need a nice cold drink or something, and I could be gone some time!

Take care old bean, if I don’t surface in a few weeks give me a shout … may need rescuing or resuscitating more to the point!

Bye love, must dash
Your every faithful friend
Morwenna xxx

#ferrets #twoferrets #heat #thunderbugs #windowcleaner #myfandmor